Nations: Ministry: Our important futilityNations: Ministry: Our important futility
MINISTRY FILE: FUTY-J
FILLETED: 12.01.06
CLEARED FOR: PUB/67
There are those who peer into the darkness with which discretion demands we surround our work, and because they cannot see what we are doing, and we will not tell them why we are doing it, question why we exist at all. They believe that the people would be just as happy without us to listen to their telephone calls, logging their activities, and manipulating their lives.
(Left) Our Ministry's offices: 'Silent Tower'
(Right) A 1942 photograph of the first ministry officeBut this is naive folly. The Ministry of Undisclosable Purpose has sister organisations in every government in the world. If we did not exist, we'd be vulnerable to those of foreigners and terrorists.
Of course, there's little point in fighting anti-Ladonianism abroad while neglecting it among our own citizens. After all, internationally, each agency maintains such a screen of misinformation, double and triple agents, deception and diversion, that it can be hard to tell who's winning, or even what game we're playing. But at home, we can measure our success against the revolutionaries, the union troublemakers, and the radicals who would question our government and our way of life. As these subversives sometimes say themselves, the real enemy is at home.
A ministry poster from World War IIThe Ministry wishes to pay tribute to those great thinkers who, sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously, have expressed the ideas on which our work is founded:
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
Henry A. Kissinger
Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship.
Harry S. Truman
Politics is the art of the possible.
Otto Von Bismarck
Another history ministry poster,
used in the training of recruitsO divine art of subtlety and secrecy! Through you we learn to be invisible, through you inaudible and hence we can hold the enemy's fate in our hands.
Sun Tzu
Naturally the common people don't want war; neither in Russia, nor in England, nor in America, nor in Germany. That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.
Hermann Goering
Viva la muerte! (Long live death!)
Jose Millan Astray (Fascist General, Spanish Civil War)
The Ministry of Undisclosable Purpose is pround to be part of the Ladonian state, but Ladonia has no permanent residents on its own territory: as state founder Lars Vilks put it, all her citizens are nomads.
We therefore have our offices at an undisclosed location in Great Britain, and we believe we enjoy a special relationship with our British colleagues. We take a keen interest in them, and its not impossible that they've sometimes taken an interest in us.
We should therefore like to take this opportunity to greet them, and, as a professional courtesy, provide the following links to their websites:
Organisation: MI5
Official Name: The Security Service
Website: www.mi5.gov.uk
Notes: The spy catchers. During the cold war, a Soviet intelligence gathering organisation, though some claimed it had been infiltrated by British agents. Now concentrates on lefties and muslims: essentially anyone with a beard.
Organisation: SIS (MI6)
Official Name: Secret Intelligence Service
Website: www.sis.gov.uk
Notes: James Bond's employers. Provided intelligence to the British government which suggested that there were no Iraqi WMDs, and no link between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda, shortly before Britian went to war over Iraqi WMDs and links with Al Qaeda.
Organisation: GCHQ
Official Name: Government Communications Headquarters
Website: www.gchq.gov.uk
Notes: Government electronic eavesdroppers. In the 1980s staunchly opposed threats to national security, such as the trade unions of which its own staff were members. Sacked 14 staff for refusing to give up union membership: a decision finally reversed after years of campaigning.
Organisation: IC
Official Name: British Army Intelligence Corps
Website: www.army.mod.uk/intelligencecorps
Notes: Military intelligence. As Groucho Marx said, a contradicition in terms, and ...to Intelligence, what Military Music is to Music.
Organisation: Special Branch
Official Name: British Police Special Branch
Website: www.met.police.uk/so/special_branch.htm
Notes: Originally called the Special Irish Branch, presumably to indicate their responsibility for arresting Irish people, such as the Birmingam six. Now changed to Special Branch to reflect a change in emphasis away from arresting Irish people, and hopefully towards arresting actual terrorists.
Organisation: NCIS
Official Name: National Criminal Intelligence Service
Website: www.ncis.co.uk
Notes: Amongst other things, NCIS's Roger Gaspar drew up plans to allow covert surveillance of your emails and your access to websites like this one. Hi there Roger!
Organisation: NCBI
Official Name: National Central Bureau of Interpol
Website: www.ncis.co.uk/interpolukncb.asp
Notes: Now part of the NCIS, and Britain's liaison with the International Criminal Police Organisation or Interpol, which coordinates the infringement of civil liberties internationally.
United Network Command for Law and EnforcementBut, of course, we have sister organisations in every country: and many of them do not have the healthy spirit of openness that we enjoy here at the Ministry of Undisclosable Purpose, and do not even admit their existence!
Below is a list of some 191 which do. Just think of the huge number of people these organisations employ between them, and the resources they consume! A small city full of spies and telephone tappers, heaving with electronic surveillance equipment and files of information on the lives of people all round the world!
All those experts just ensuring security. Don't you feel safer just to think of it?
International Criminal Police Organisation (ICPO/Interpol)
United Network Command for Law and Enforcement (UNCLE)
National Intelligence Service (SHIK)
State Intelligence Service (SHISH)
Secretaria de Inteligencia (SI) (Secretariat of Intelligence)
Servicio Federal de Lucha contra el Narcotrafico (SEFECONAR) (Federal Counternarcotics Service)
Inteligencia del Servicio Penitenciario Federal (Federal Penitentiary Service Intelligence)
Sistema de Inteligencia Nacional (SIN) (National Intelligence System)
Direccion Nacional de Inteligencia Criminal (DNIC) (National Directorate of Criminal Intelligence)
Direccion Nacional de Inteligencia Estrategica Militar (DNIEM) (National Directorate of Strategic Military Intelligence)
Inteligencia de la Policia Federal Argentina (Argentine Federal Police Intelligence)
Inteligencia de la Policia Bonaerense (SIPBA) (Buenos Aires Police Intelligence)
Inteligencia de la Gendarmeria Nacional Argentina (SIGN) (Argentine National Gendarmerie Intelligence)
Inteligencia de la Prefectura Naval Argentina (SIPN) (Argentine Naval Prefecture Intelligence)
Inteligencia de la Policia de Seguridad Aeroportuaria (Airport Security Police Intelligence)
Unidad de Inteligencia Financiera (UIF) (Financial Intelligence Unit)
Jefatura de Inteligencia del Estado Mayor Conjunto de las Fuerzas Armadas (J-2) (Intelligence Department of the Joint General Staff of the Armed Forces)
Australian Security Intelligence Organisation (ASIO)
Australian Secret Intelligence Service (ASIS)
Defence Intelligence Organisation (DIO)
Defence Imagery and Geospatial Organisation (DIGO)
Defence Signals Directorate (DSD)
Office of National Assessments (ONA)
Milli Tehlukesizlik Nazirliyi (MTN) (Ministry of National Security)
Committee for State Security (KGB)
Veiligheid van de Staat / Staatsveiligheid / Surete de l'etat (SV/SE) (State Security Service)
Algemene Dienst Inlichting en Veiligheid / Service General du Renseignement et de la Securite (ADIV/SGRS) (General Information and Security Service)
Obavjestajno sigurnosna agencija (OSA)
Agencija za istragu i zastitu (SIPA)
Agencia Brasileira de Inteligencia (ABIN) (Brazilian Intelligence Agency)
Nacionalna razuznavatelna sluzhba (NRS)
Nacionalna sluzhba za sigurnost (NSS)
Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS)
Communications Security Establishment (CSE)
Canadian Forces Security and Intelligence Branch
Guojia Anquan Bu (Guoanbu) (Ministry of State Security)
Gonggong Anquan Bu (Gonganbu) (Ministry of Public Security)
National Security Bureau (NSB)
Departamento Administrativo de Seguridad (DAS) (Administrative Department of Security)
Protuobavjestajna agencija (POA) (Counter-Intelligence Agency)
Obavjestajna agencija (OA) (Intelligence Agency)
Vojna sigurnosna agencija (VSA) (Military Security Agency)
Note: POA and OA awaiting merge into Sredisnja obavjestajna agencija (SOA) (Central Intelligence Agency)
Direccion General de Inteligencia (DGI) (General Directorate of Intelligence)
Revolutionary Armed Forces Intelligence
Bezpecnostni informacni sluzba (BIS)
Urad pro zahranicni styky a informace (UZSI)
Politiets Efterretningstjeneste (PET) (Police Intelligence Service)
Forsvarets Efterretningstjeneste (FE) (Defence Intelligence Service)
Al-Mukhabarat al-'Ammah (General Directorate of State Security Service)
Mukhabarat el-Khabeya (Military Intelligence)
Kaitsepolitseiamet (KAPO) (Security Police Board)
Suojelupoliisi (Supo) (Protection Police)
Direction de la Surveillance du Territoire (DST) (Directorate of Territorial Surveillance)
Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure (DGSE) (General Directorate of External Security)
Direction Centrale des Renseignements Generaux (RG) (Central Directorate of General Intelligence)
Direction du Renseignement Militaire (DRM) (Directorate of Military Intelligence)
Direction de la Protection et de la Securite de la Defense (DPSD) (Directorate of Protection and Defense Security)
Verfassungsschutz (Protection of the Constitution)
Bundesnachrichtendienst (BND) (Federal Intelligence Service)
Militarischer Abschirmdienst (MAD) (Military Protective Service)
Ethniki Ypiresia Pliroforion (EYP) (National Intelligence Service)
Informacios Hivatal (IH) (Information Office)
Katonai Biztonsagi Hivatal (KBH) (Military Security Office)
Katonai Felderito Hivatal (KFH) (Military Reconnaissance Office)
Nemzetbiztonsagi Hivatal (NBH) (National Security Office)
Nemzetbiztonsagi Szakszolgalat (NBSZ) (National Security Special Service)
Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI)
Defense Intelligence Agency
Intelligence Bureau (IB)
Research and Analysis Wing (RAW)
Badan Intelijen Nasional (BIN)
Vezarat-e Ettela'at va Amniat-e Keshvar (VEVAK) (Ministry of Intelligence and National Security)
Iraqi National Intelligence Service
Mudiriyat al-Amn al-Amma
Irish Secret Service
G2 Military Intelligence
ha-Mossad le-Modiin ule-Tafkidim Meyuhadim (Mossad) (Institute for Intelligence and Special Operations)
Sherut ha-Bitachon ha-Klali (Shabak or Shin Bet)
Agaf ha-Modi'in (Aman)
Comitato Esecutivo per i Servizi di Informazione e Sicurezza (CESIS) (Executive Committee of Intelligence and Security Services)
Servizio Informazioni Generali e Sicurezza (SISDE) (General Intelligence and Security Service)
Servizio per le Informazioni e la Sicurezza Militare (SISMI) (Military Intelligence and Security Service)
Naikaku Jouho Chousashitsu (Naicho) (Cabinet Intelligence and Research Office)
Public Security Intelligence Agency (PSIA), Ministry of Justice
Defense Intelligence Headquarters (DIH), Defence Agency
Intelligence and Analysis Service (IAS), Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Security Bureau (SB), National Police Agency
Dairat al-Mukhabarat
National Intelligence Service (NIS)
Ministry of Undisclosable Purpose (MoUP)
Invisible Police (iPol)
Jamahiriya el-Mukhabarat
Service de Renseignement de l'Etat (State Intelligence Service)
Cawangan Khas (Special Branch)
Jabatan Risikan Persekutuan (Federal Intelligence Department)
Kor Risikan DiRaja (Royal Intelligence Corps)
National Security Service (NSS)
Centro de Investigacion y Seguridad Nacional (CISEN) (National Security and Investigation Centre)
Serviciul de Informatii si Securitate al Republicii Moldova (SIS) (Information and Security Service of the Republic of Moldova)
Direction de la Surveillance du Territoire (DST) (Directorate of Territorial Surveillance)
Algemene Inlichtingen- en Veiligheidsdienst (AIVD) (General Intelligence and Security Service)
Militaire Inlichtingen- en Veiligheidsdienst (MIVD) (Military Intelligence and Security Service)
Government Communications Security Bureau
Security Intelligence Service
State Security Service (SSS)
Politiets Sikkerhetstjeneste (PST) (Police Security Agency)
Nasjonal Sikkerhetsmyndighet (NSM) (National Security Authority)
Forsvarets Etterretningstjeneste (Defence Intelligence Agency)
Directorate for Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI)
Intelligence Group, Philippine National Police
Intelligence Service of the Armed Forces of the Philippines (ISAFP)
National Intelligence Coordinating Agency (NICA)
National Bureau of Investigation (NBI)
Agencja Wywiadu (AW) (Foreign Intelligence Agency)
Agencja Bezpieczenstwa Wewnetrznego (ABW) (Internal Security Agency)
Wojskowe Sluzby Informacyjne (WSI) (Military Intelligence Service)
Sistema de Informacoes da Republica Portuguesa (SIRP) (Intelligence System of the Republic of Portugal)
Servico de Informacoes de Seguranca (SIS) (Security Intelligence Service)
Servico de Informacoes Militares (SIM) (Military Intelligence Service)
Servico de Informacoes Estrategicas de Defesa e Militares (SIEDM) (Strategic Defense and Military Intelligence Service)
Serviciul Roman de Informatii (SRI) (Romanian Intelligence Service)
Serviciul de Informatii Externe (SIE) (External Intelligence Service)
Serviciul de Protectie si Paza (SPP) (Protection and Security Service)
Directia Generala de Informatii a Apararii (DGIA) (Directorate General of Defence Information)
Directia Generala de Informatii si Protectie Interna (DGIPI) (Directorate General of Information and Internal Protection)
Directia Generala de Protectie si Anticoruptie (DGPA) (Directorate General of Protection and Anti-Corruption)
Serviciul de Telecomunicatii Speciale (STS) (Special Telecommunications Service)
Federalnaya Sluzhba Bezopasnosti (FSB) (Federal Security Service)
Glavnoye Razvedyvatelnoye Upravlenie (GRU) (Main Intelligence Directorate)
Sluzhba Vneshney Razvedki (SVR) (Foreign Intelligence Service)
Al Mukhabarat Al A'amah (General Intelligence Service)
Bezbednosno Informativna Agencija (BIA) (Security Information Agency)
Internal Security Department (ISD)
Security and Intelligence Department (SID)
Slovenska informacna sluzba (SIS) (Slovak Information Service)
Vojenske spravodajstvo (Military Intelligence)
Narodny bezpecnostny urad (NBU) (National Security Bureau)
Slovenska Obvescevalno-Varnostna Agencija (SOVA) (Slovenian Intelligence and Security Agency)
National Intelligence Agency (NIA)
South African Secret Service (SASS)
South African National Defence Force Intelligence Division (SANDF-ID)
Crime Intelligence Division, South African Police Service
Centro Nacional de Inteligencia (CNI) (National Intelligence Centre)
Militara underrattelse- och sakerhetstjansten (MUST) (Military Intelligence and Security Service)
Sakerhetspolisen (SaPO) (Security Police)
Kontoret for sarskild inhamtning (KSI)
Forsvarets Radioanstalt (FRA) (Defence Radio Establishment)
Strategischer Nachrichtendienst (SND) (Strategic Intelligence Service)
Dienst fur Analyse und Pravention (DAP) (Analysis and Prevention Service)
Militarischer Nachrichtendienst (MND) (Military Intelligence Service)
Luftwaffennachrichtendienst (LWND) (Air Force Intelligence Service)
Idarat al-Mukhabarat al-Amma (Directorate of State Intelligence)
Shu'bat al-Mukhabarat al-'Askariyya (Department of Military Intelligence)
Idarat al-Mukhabarat al-Jawiyya (Directorate of Air Force Intelligence)
Milli Istihbarat Teskilati (MIT) (National Intelligence Organization)
Jandarma Istihbarat ve Terorle Mucadele (JITEM)
Committee for National Security (KNB)
Holovne Upravlinnya Rozvidky (HUR) (Central Intelligence Directorate)
Sluzhba Bezpeky Ukrayiny (SBU) (Security Service of Ukraine)
Sluzhba Zovnishnioyi Rozvidky (SZR) (External Intelligence Service)
Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ)
Joint Intelligence Committee (JIC)
Royal Air Force Intelligence Branch
Intelligence Corps
Police Intelligence
Secret Intelligence Service (SIS or MI6)
Security Service (MI5)
Special Branch
Air Intelligence Agency (AIA)
Army Intelligence
Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)
Coast Guard Intelligence
Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA)
Office of Intelligence, Department of Energy
Bureau of Intelligence and Research (INR), Department of State
Office of Intelligence Support, Department of the Treasury
National Security Division, Federal Bureau of Investigation
Information Analysis and Infrastructure Protection Directorate
Marine Corps Intelligence
National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency (NGA)
National Intelligence Council (NIC)
National Reconnaissance Office (NRO)
National Security Agency (NSA)
Office of Naval Intelligence (ONI)
United States Secret Service (USSS)
Tong cuc 2 tinh bao quan doi (TC2) (Second Central Commission of Military Intelligence)
Central Intelligence Organization (CIO)